I found an old journal I started when I was first divorced. I was married for 16 years. It was my second marriage. He had cheated periodically and I turned a blind-eye to it all. I was young, in love, and adored him.
I think he finally fell in love with someone else around the 14-year mark. That was when he really started treating me badly. I kept thinking something was wrong with me and struggled to keep our marriage together. I wanted so badly to fix our marriage and not get divorce again. He was, after all, my best friend.
After 2 years of mental abuse, I finally asked him to go to counseling with me. His response; “I will go to counseling if they make you do everything I tell you to do.” That was my “Ah-Ha” moment. He was never going to try to make it work, he just wanted me out.
I moved out and into a shitty little apartment. It was such a dark time for me. Suicidal, depressed, terrified, and alone; I kept hoping he would want to save us. He did not.
Every day was frightening to me. Being so alone, unwanted, and unloved. Being so betrayed by my love, my best friend.
My journal chronicled all of these emotions. Re-reading it made me cry for that lost little girl. I would love to hold her now and tell her it would be okay but, she had to go through it all to become me.
At one point I actually did a tandem jump out of an airplane. This was in the first 6 months of my divorce and, while I would never do that again, it certainly helped. After the jump, I was not afraid of anything. It made me stronger and more adventurous.
My turning point had begun.