Friendship Dynamics

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Everyone has rules that help them throughout their life.  I have found that a rule I had for just men is also a very good rule for women friends.

The rule is; “If you are dating a man, have been intimate with him, and are exclusive with him (in a relationship) he should be introducing you to his friends.”  If not, he is not in a relationship with you.  I know that sounds silly but, it’s true – he is just using you for sex.

Well, it has come to my attention that women will do that very same thing to their female friends (excluding the sex).  I am not sure if men do it to each other.  Women will cubby-hole their female friends(?).  I think it’s okay if it’s mutual. 

It can be hurtful if one person wants more from the relationship.  Like being someone’s movie buddy – yes, there is such a thing.  Example; you’re invited to movies only but, would like to be included in dinners, happy hours, and other functions where you would meet more people to expand your social circle.

I enjoy people and want to meet new people all the time.  It would be nice, for me, to make a new friend every single day.  When I am going somewhere it has always been my habit to invite everyone I can think of.  Most people like to try new adventures and step outside their box – it’s fun!  The more, the merrier!  I like to invite my married friends to typically single functions.  They love it and get an opportunity to verify that they are not missing out on anything – HA!

When I have a female friend who doesn’t invite me to meet her other friends, I find it hurtful.  I know that there are many personality types.  I don’t think they mean to be hurtful, I just think they are different.  It doesn’t make it any less hurtful to me.  That is when I have to make a decision; “Do I continue to allow this person to hurt me or do I end this?”

The good thing about ending a one-sided friendship is that you can usually stay cordial in social settings.  Don’t get me wrong, there is always a period of adjustment when a relationship is redefined.  Many times the person hurting your feelings has no idea what they are doing.  So, when you change the dynamic, they are confused and want it to stay the way it was.  They are oblivious to your pain.  This is true of any relationship change.

Every human being is responsible for their own happiness.  If something or someone is not making you happy, you must change the dynamic.  Life is hard – laugh and smile a lot!  Also, include people, forgive, and be kind.

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5 thoughts on “Friendship Dynamics

  1. I would like to offer you my thoughts, I hope that’s OK. I believe communication is very important in all relationships and if we misunderstand each other thru actions or words it could be really hurtful and bad for the relationship. Just based on what you wrote, have you told the other person how they have hurt you by not including you? Not trying to play the devil’s advocate, but what if they are not aware of their actions or maybe they weren’t trying to hurt you at all. Maybe they don’t know that you feel this way about wanting to be included in other functions. I still believe communication is the best way before ending friendships. I’ve been in situations where I’ve hurt friends feelings not knowing that I did. But we’ve talked about it and when they explain their feelings and I explain that my actions or words were not meant to hurt and then I try to be more sensitive towards that person because I now know they are sensitive about a certain issue then it’s all good. We get past it and we build a stronger friendship. Unless it was a friendship that didn’t matter to begin with then I guess it’s OK just to walk away. But I don’t think this is the case here. Anyway, just saying……

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    1. Gloria, any comments and suggestions are always welcome! I have gently expressed my feelings many times to this friend about excluding me and others. It falls on deaf ears. I am smart enough to know that I cannot change anyone and have no desire to do so. People are different. It is okay. I am not exactly ending a friendship. I am redefining it so that I can protect my feelings. The only person I can change is me and I am responsible for my own happiness.

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  2. Ok, I just now saw your reply, I guess I don’t get notifications when there is a reply. 🙂 Linda, I now know who you are referring to. I am not going to get in the middle of this because this has nothing to do with me, but I am going to give my thoughts because I am a friend to both of you. I feel that both of you should further talk to each other (face to face) and just talk honestly about all this and your feelings. I know you have “gently expressed” your feelings, but maybe she didn’t get it or understand depending on how you may have implied it. I say this because I am a very frank and candid person. I say things very distinctly and I know not everyone is like that. Sometimes I don’t get it when people are more subtle with their words. But that does not make me a person that is non-caring. I’m just saying that you both should talk and just get it out there and maybe it can get hashed out. Wouldn’t you rather have your friendship like before? I’ve known her for 30 years and she is one of my best buddies. I also consider you a good friend even if we don’t hang out a lot or have not known each other a long time. She has a heart of gold, I also believe you have a heart of gold. I’ve asked her if she has reached out to you to ask what the issues are and she said she has, but you have not replied to her email. I really wish you guys would talk this over. Even if you say you are not ending the friendship it still is not the same and what kind of friendship is that then…just an acquaintance. Anyway, I’ve said my thoughts. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings in any way, but I just wanted to say what I did because I can’t stand to see friendships ruined because of lack of communication. Thank you for letting me speak my mind! I am now stepping aside and will just wish the best for both you guys!

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