I was picking up a salad at Newk’s yesterday, love their salads. There was a man standing there looking at his cell phone. Me thinking; “Is that Ryan? It cannot be Ryan, Ryan is dead.” This man had the same height, weight, hair, clothing – it was uncanny, and my heart stopped for a split second.
If it was Ryan, it would have been extremely uncomfortable, and chaos would have returned to my life. I stood my ground knowing in my intelligent, reasoning mind this could not be him. He looked up. Ahhhhh, it was not Ryan. I mean, of course it wasn’t, but WOW!
Ryan had a heart attack several months ago. There were no mixed feelings for me. It was complete relief. I do, however, feel guilty for the frankness of my feelings. I was raised a Catholic.
Simply said, we had a terrible relationship. Off-and-on for 3 years. When people don’t love you, they treat you badly. He was very controlling, and I am very independent. Oil and water. For years after we broke up, if he would see me out he would start to harass and stalk me. It was frightening, and I was fearful. When I would catch him, I would register an “Incident” report with the police department. He wasn’t doing anything illegal so there was not much they could do.
I stopped using my favorite grocery store, gas station, even avoiding the street he lived on and traveled often. He had a home close to me. I never realized how much I modified my daily life just to avoid him.
Now, when I drive past his subdivision, I smile and flip him the bird. I also think he is probably looking down amused by it all.
Maybe when we die we become enlightened souls and understand others and how we affect their lives. Maybe heaven is all the people who have loving, kind memories of us and hell is all the people who don’t.